Saturday, March 13, 2010

PUBLIC HEALTH HAZARD---- ASS AND BREATH HAZMAT





Ok.

There is no other way to put this other than, if you have nasty ass and breath please stay outside the strip club?

Or if you do have to rip ass, could you please just take a walk outside?

There is nothing like giving someone a sexy dance, or at least attempting to when you realize someone has shit themselves in the dance area.  Or at least their farts smell like a total sewer bed in the summer--- and it's in the dance booth area/lapdance area, with no end in sight. (No pun intended.)
It kind of just lingers there, like LA fog.



It's pretty bad sometimes-- because what can you say to the customer?



"Sorry this dance is so horrible but as you can smell... someone blew up in here."  

"Really, that wasn't me."

"Who ever that was needs to stop eating eggs."

"Sorry, I really don't get turned on by the smell of feces..."

Someone shit themselves last night in the club, or at least it smelled like it.  During dances, so you know it was someone in that section because that's where the smell was emanating from.

I'm giving this kid a dance and I'm some what near the floor area where it's cooler, and where their general crotch area is, and I stand up and I smell sewer-ass.  I can't even breathe, and 2 seconds later I think the customer can smell it too.  There is an unspoken connection that human beings have when they smell other people's body odors.  It's like, we both acknowledged the fart, --although we smell't it neither of us dealt it, y'know?

It doesn't have to be blamed on the customer, some girls could have blown it up back there too.
It's just gross.

And you know what I'm talking about, cause it happens in regular clubs and public places all the time.
People just walk by and blow cheese as they walk by because they know the trail will be left behind them, and then you're stuck with smelling raunchy ass.
It's like 'fart terrorism'.
Someone blows themselves up, and is gonna destroy anything in the path!  

It's gotten so bad one time, that the DJ had got on the mic and basically said


"Whoever that is, buddy you're killing us in here, can you just step outside if you're gonna be farting like that.
Please, and hurry it up, it fucking stinks in here!"



Something really you never hear at the strip joint, but it has happened.


And this whole thing, with the BO and stuff, yeah, it happens.  It happens to me but after a bunch of dancing, guess what, you do sweat.  I do.  I'm not saying I smell like roses all the time, because I don't.  I just try not to make it a public health hazard.


Ok, for you guys that don't have much hygiene going on at all.

Well, there's nothing like saying
"Hi. I don't shower."
Without actually saying it.

If you ate shrimp a few days ago and it's still hanging around in your beard like decorations on a Christmas tree, I'm probably not gonna ask you for a dance.  Don't care how much money you have.  In fact, don't ask me either, because I can't do it.


Oh, and the burping and sour stomach radiation--  this is an instant kill.
The atom bomb of breath.

If you happen to burp in my face, and you have the smell of sour stomach, or dog diarrhea from your mouth area, it makes me want to instantly puke in your face.  I totally don't want to dance for you.  Nope.

They do make such things as mints, gum, flavored toothpicks, mouthwash, toothbrushes, toothpaste, and more to basically take care of offensive mouth hazmat.

Please be courteous and turn away from the unsuspecting person/dancer and burp.
I beseech you.

There is nothing worse than a half way decent guy burping in your face,
and then him smelling like hot sidewalk trash
on a humid, 90 degree day.

Oh, and smokers.  Ha.  Yeah.

The thing is it's fine if you smoke, and you don't smell like it, or very little nicotine smell, that's ok.
If you smell like the ashtray from your grandmothers 1974 stationwagon that she used as her personal
puff mobile, I can't talk to you.

I think that just about covers it.  If there is anything else, I will have to add it, that's all.

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