Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
PUBLIC HEALTH HAZARD---- ASS AND BREATH HAZMAT
Ok.
There is no other way to put this other than, if you have nasty ass and breath please stay outside the strip club?
Or if you do have to rip ass, could you please just take a walk outside?
There is nothing like giving someone a sexy dance, or at least attempting to when you realize someone has shit themselves in the dance area. Or at least their farts smell like a total sewer bed in the summer--- and it's in the dance booth area/lapdance area, with no end in sight. (No pun intended.)
It kind of just lingers there, like LA fog.
It's pretty bad sometimes-- because what can you say to the customer?
"Sorry this dance is so horrible but as you can smell... someone blew up in here."
"Really, that wasn't me."
"Who ever that was needs to stop eating eggs."
Someone shit themselves last night in the club, or at least it smelled like it. During dances, so you know it was someone in that section because that's where the smell was emanating from.
I'm giving this kid a dance and I'm some what near the floor area where it's cooler, and where their general crotch area is, and I stand up and I smell sewer-ass. I can't even breathe, and 2 seconds later I think the customer can smell it too. There is an unspoken connection that human beings have when they smell other people's body odors. It's like, we both acknowledged the fart, --although we smell't it neither of us dealt it, y'know?
It doesn't have to be blamed on the customer, some girls could have blown it up back there too.
It's just gross.
And you know what I'm talking about, cause it happens in regular clubs and public places all the time.
People just walk by and blow cheese as they walk by because they know the trail will be left behind them, and then you're stuck with smelling raunchy ass.
It's like 'fart terrorism'.
Someone blows themselves up, and is gonna destroy anything in the path!
It's gotten so bad one time, that the DJ had got on the mic and basically said
"Whoever that is, buddy you're killing us in here, can you just step outside if you're gonna be farting like that.
Please, and hurry it up, it fucking stinks in here!"
Something really you never hear at the strip joint, but it has happened.
And this whole thing, with the BO and stuff, yeah, it happens. It happens to me but after a bunch of dancing, guess what, you do sweat. I do. I'm not saying I smell like roses all the time, because I don't. I just try not to make it a public health hazard.
Ok, for you guys that don't have much hygiene going on at all.
Well, there's nothing like saying
"Hi. I don't shower."
Without actually saying it.If you ate shrimp a few days ago and it's still hanging around in your beard like decorations on a Christmas tree, I'm probably not gonna ask you for a dance. Don't care how much money you have. In fact, don't ask me either, because I can't do it.
Oh, and the burping and sour stomach radiation-- this is an instant kill.
The atom bomb of breath.
If you happen to burp in my face, and you have the smell of sour stomach, or dog diarrhea from your mouth area, it makes me want to instantly puke in your face. I totally don't want to dance for you. Nope.
They do make such things as mints, gum, flavored toothpicks, mouthwash, toothbrushes, toothpaste, and more to basically take care of offensive mouth hazmat.
Please be courteous and turn away from the unsuspecting person/dancer and burp.
I beseech you.
There is nothing worse than a half way decent guy burping in your face,
and then him smelling like hot sidewalk trash
on a humid, 90 degree day.
Oh, and smokers. Ha. Yeah.
The thing is it's fine if you smoke, and you don't smell like it, or very little nicotine smell, that's ok.
If you smell like the ashtray from your grandmothers 1974 stationwagon that she used as her personal
puff mobile, I can't talk to you.
I think that just about covers it. If there is anything else, I will have to add it, that's all.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
What have I learned about strippers by watching Bravo Channel.
For the first time, ever, I watched Orange County Housewives on Bravo. And what I realized is that, on any given day, in any given club..... the strippers I have worked with behave better when totally drunk than these women.
I think, they went out and found the most obnoxious, ridiculous, superficial women on Earth, and put them on a show to make ratings. And for that, bravo Bravo!
And the whole time, people thought STRIPPERS were the most obnoxious ridiculous superficial women on Earth!
Who knew?
I think, they went out and found the most obnoxious, ridiculous, superficial women on Earth, and put them on a show to make ratings. And for that, bravo Bravo!
And the whole time, people thought STRIPPERS were the most obnoxious ridiculous superficial women on Earth!
Who knew?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Make sure you keep watching American Idol or Dancing with the Stars
Because, nobody would ever want you to look at this.
Why would they want you to see THIS when they can ream burger ads down your throat and then weight loss ads after that?
Why would you want to know about the 'reality of war' when you can just watch the 'reality of Jersey Shore'?
Why DJ Paulie and that Snooky... they have the best tans!
Brief Interruption: Not brought to you by McDonalds or Jenny Craig.
(Seriously folks. Let's take some of the money spend on blowing up other countries and rebuilding them at the cost of taxpayers in the USA, and use it to fix the fucking potholes that plague the streets here. My car is beat up from slamming the fucking potholes in every fucking city I drive through! But, that doesn't matter, because we need to catch the terrorists and build roads in Iraq.)
(Oh, how about 'pressing 1 for English' and getting India? Seriously.
Do I have to rant and go on and on again?
Apparently, because NOBODY GETS IT YET.)
Here sits a son, with his mother. They're hugging. You can see this guy of 22 years old has half a head.
Yep. That's right. Only HALF A HEAD LEFT. Now his mother has to hug her child who had a whole head before signing up for the military. He's back, and he's alive, minus half his head.
And every time I meet young guys in the club who are joining the military for college, I ask them why.
WHY?!
Why, would you want to kill other people you know nothing about, or kill yourself, or kill your mom when she has to bury you?
Now, to me, these reasons that are factual don't sound like mature reasons.
Of course at 19 or 20 how mature can you be? (shame on the recruiters here-)
If this is what I'm hearing more than once on more than one occasion, it's got to be fact.
When I get some of these guys, I usually give them a free dance on top of the one they are buying, because
I know I may never see them again, and if I do, they might be in a wheelchair, or on the news because they
died in a country that hates America for occupying their country.
You see how that makes so much sense now? And if you can't-- let me break it down for you.
PROBLEM-REACTION-SOLUTION.
And this is not my formula, it has been used by many, many others before me, so let's just take a gander, shall we?
Problem:
People cannot get jobs after graduating high school, therefore going to college is not an option because they can't pay for it. They also can't afford a place to live, hence that job thing again!
All our jobs have been outsourced to India and other countries that will work for shit money instead of hiring someone here and having to pay them a bit more than minimum wage. God forbid you actually treat your workers better than average. Well, they do-- but only if you work for AIG and other places that produce ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
These same people who can't get jobs or go to college find a 'hero' when a military man walks up to them and promises them the world, travel, college, money, and a place to live! Just sign your life away on the dotted line.
Oh, and if you die, your mom gets a FREE FLAG!
I think you can see where the REACTION AND SOLUTION PART slithered in.......
This is not a rant against hardworking soldiers.
These soldiers follow a chain of command.
They are the worker ants and cannot ever question authority.
How convenient considering all the wars we are fighting right now are questionable!
So, the next time someone approaches you about joining the military, and doing the right thing, think about this guy, who probably will spend the rest of his life drooling on his mother. He might never get married. He might never do anything, he might never even get to jerk off ever again with that extensive brain damage.
Remember to question every authority you can before you sign up to fight a war that is expensive in money, but expensive in life as well. The war in Iraq is indeed questionable. The war in Afghanistan is questionable.
The amount of money spend at the cost of our country, and the cost of the average solder who is going to go there and come back all fucked up being mind or body or both. With some legs blown off from an IUD,
or some nasty disease, or just suicidal. Remember, you are the worker ant. You have no say. You will do what you are told when you are told, for the benefit of who ever is in charge and whatever agenda they may have. That is all. Is this man a hero? Does he feel like one? Will we ever know? What does his mother say to herself every time she looks at him?
Probably that she should have never let him sign up. As a mother, that's what I'd say.
If nobody was around to fight, there would be no war.
I know oil is expensive, but do we really have to pay in blood?
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
George McGovern
If we don't end war, war will end us.
H. G. Wells
If it's natural to kill, how come men have to go into training to learn how?
Joan Baez
Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die.
Herbert Hoover
The politicians create wars, and the military fights them. Nobody wins.
http://open.salon.com/blog/david_cox/2010/02/25/the_picture#
Why would they want you to see THIS when they can ream burger ads down your throat and then weight loss ads after that?
Why would you want to know about the 'reality of war' when you can just watch the 'reality of Jersey Shore'?
Why DJ Paulie and that Snooky... they have the best tans!
Brief Interruption: Not brought to you by McDonalds or Jenny Craig.
(Seriously folks. Let's take some of the money spend on blowing up other countries and rebuilding them at the cost of taxpayers in the USA, and use it to fix the fucking potholes that plague the streets here. My car is beat up from slamming the fucking potholes in every fucking city I drive through! But, that doesn't matter, because we need to catch the terrorists and build roads in Iraq.)
(Oh, how about 'pressing 1 for English' and getting India? Seriously.
Do I have to rant and go on and on again?
Apparently, because NOBODY GETS IT YET.)
Here sits a son, with his mother. They're hugging. You can see this guy of 22 years old has half a head.
Yep. That's right. Only HALF A HEAD LEFT. Now his mother has to hug her child who had a whole head before signing up for the military. He's back, and he's alive, minus half his head.
And every time I meet young guys in the club who are joining the military for college, I ask them why.
WHY?!
Why, would you want to kill other people you know nothing about, or kill yourself, or kill your mom when she has to bury you?
The most popular reasons they give me are
"I need money for college."
"I can't get a job."
"I don't want to be a loser."
"I want to do something with my life."
"My dad was in the military."
"I just did it cause it sounded good."
Now, to me, these reasons that are factual don't sound like mature reasons.
Of course at 19 or 20 how mature can you be? (shame on the recruiters here-)
If this is what I'm hearing more than once on more than one occasion, it's got to be fact.
When I get some of these guys, I usually give them a free dance on top of the one they are buying, because
I know I may never see them again, and if I do, they might be in a wheelchair, or on the news because they
died in a country that hates America for occupying their country.
You see how that makes so much sense now? And if you can't-- let me break it down for you.
PROBLEM-REACTION-SOLUTION.
And this is not my formula, it has been used by many, many others before me, so let's just take a gander, shall we?
Problem:
People cannot get jobs after graduating high school, therefore going to college is not an option because they can't pay for it. They also can't afford a place to live, hence that job thing again!
All our jobs have been outsourced to India and other countries that will work for shit money instead of hiring someone here and having to pay them a bit more than minimum wage. God forbid you actually treat your workers better than average. Well, they do-- but only if you work for AIG and other places that produce ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
These same people who can't get jobs or go to college find a 'hero' when a military man walks up to them and promises them the world, travel, college, money, and a place to live! Just sign your life away on the dotted line.
Oh, and if you die, your mom gets a FREE FLAG!
I think you can see where the REACTION AND SOLUTION PART slithered in.......
This is not a rant against hardworking soldiers.
These soldiers follow a chain of command.
They are the worker ants and cannot ever question authority.
How convenient considering all the wars we are fighting right now are questionable!
So, the next time someone approaches you about joining the military, and doing the right thing, think about this guy, who probably will spend the rest of his life drooling on his mother. He might never get married. He might never do anything, he might never even get to jerk off ever again with that extensive brain damage.
Remember to question every authority you can before you sign up to fight a war that is expensive in money, but expensive in life as well. The war in Iraq is indeed questionable. The war in Afghanistan is questionable.
The amount of money spend at the cost of our country, and the cost of the average solder who is going to go there and come back all fucked up being mind or body or both. With some legs blown off from an IUD,
or some nasty disease, or just suicidal. Remember, you are the worker ant. You have no say. You will do what you are told when you are told, for the benefit of who ever is in charge and whatever agenda they may have. That is all. Is this man a hero? Does he feel like one? Will we ever know? What does his mother say to herself every time she looks at him?
Probably that she should have never let him sign up. As a mother, that's what I'd say.
If nobody was around to fight, there would be no war.
I know oil is expensive, but do we really have to pay in blood?
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
George McGovern
If we don't end war, war will end us.
H. G. Wells
If it's natural to kill, how come men have to go into training to learn how?
Joan Baez
Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die.
Herbert Hoover
The politicians create wars, and the military fights them. Nobody wins.
http://open.salon.com/blog/david_cox/2010/02/25/the_picture#
What can $20 get you today?
http://www.nationalpriorities.org/newsletter/2009/12/11/what-can-20-dollars-buy
You can give to a charitable organization such as
http://www.moveon.org/
or
you can get a lapdance.
You can give to a charitable organization such as
http://www.moveon.org/
or
you can get a lapdance.
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